(no subject)
Pterodactyl Dinosaur Star
starmandeluxe24


I'm sick of this mobius of an internal monologue I have every other day. It's the one where I ask "what am I really motivated by?" I often feel like I just don't have the will to do anything, and I'm not sure if it's because I haven't nailed down what I really want to do, or if I'm just lazy. it feels like if I DID have a passion, I could use that fervor to power through the "work".

 

I would very much appreciate if I would stop psychoanalyzing myself and just... DO


(no subject)
Pterodactyl Dinosaur Star
starmandeluxe24


Did game team work until 2:40 am. slept until 6:30 and kept working until leaving for work at 9:30.
I feel satisfied with my results. one thing that always kicks my ass into gear is the prospect of going to a team meeting with "uh... nothing new to report," so I'm always glad to avoid that :p EVENTUALLY I'd like to be able to deliver expectations and then some on a regular basis!


(no subject)
Pterodactyl Dinosaur Star
starmandeluxe24


my boss asked me if I could please work tomorrow, full shift. I accepted because I could use the money, but I've given myself very little time for a game team obligation, in preparation for a meeting tomorrow at 7pm. looks like I'll be up late with not optimal sleep.
not too worried. I've dealt with worse stress in college. but I'm kicking myself because I had three days off and I basically spent it faffing about online like usual. I procrastinated, and opted for instant gratification. and now tonight I'll pay for it.
muscling through something-- just doing the work-- for far more rewarding delayed gratification; it is something I still need to learn. and hopefully, someday master.
I want to be a better man.

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(no subject)
Pterodactyl Dinosaur Star
starmandeluxe24


I'm sorry I'm such a flip flop. ;__;
I guess... My drive is so influenced by the enthusiasm of others, it makes it difficult to tell what I really want. because fulfilling others desires makes me happy, and I tend to chalk up disregarding that as selfishness. I can't deny I felt relieved, though, at the time, when I said I didn't want to leave Washington, and excited at the prospect of really hunkering down and getting back to finding that art job.
But last night I saw just how crushed my wife is, and I'm wavering again (God damn it). Is it worth it to stay and pursue an ideal with a disapointed spouse, or to be more realistic and make her (and her brother) happy by moving? And there will still be jobs in art out there too right? And we'd start making money instead of breaking even right?
I think I just can't stand to see others disappointed by a decision I've made. It's crippling. I tried to provide an ultimatum: "if I don't make significant progress in finding a job by January..." but she said I already missed my last one. Well I guess I have more time now to try. I want to make it worth it.


8-24-12
Pterodactyl Dinosaur Star
starmandeluxe24


Summary:

 

Stayed up late playing Rayman Origins-- didn't sleep long enough. probably woken out of deep sleep, as I started out agitated. Emptied dishwasher, fed cat, cleaned litterbox, showered. Shower relieved most agitation.
Tomorrow I have a game team meeting for Highway to the Moon. I'd like to have a more refined sketch for the villain to show off. Opened Sai to work on that, but ended up distracted by Cry Plays: Limbo.

 

Closing shift at Fred Meyer tonight. my eyes are heavy but I feel more manic than tired-- maybe its mental fatigue. Had a delicious cookie and Starbucks refresher; it helps. On lunch now.

 

I have a new flash project idea, involving the grim reaper arriving at a Halloween party (or, birthday party). the scene would play out like a video game, with text boxes for dialogue and a fixed side view perspective to keep things simple. Inspirational style: Sword and Sworcery.

 

Really gotta get to work on that steampunk piece for the RF artshow.

 

Anyway, work today isn't that bad. And Guild Wars 2 will be available tonight, which will be fun. Just gotta pry myself away tomorrow so I can refine that villain at some point.

 

Seems like there's always so much to do... but when the time is available to do it, I distract myself with the internet. Lately its been Cry's videos on YouTube. I think its okay to rest like that sure, but I don't have the discipline to snap back into work mode most times. there's a point when recuperation turns into laziness. Gotta learn how to balance.

 

That's all for now.

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Writer's Block: ONTD Games Giveaway
Pterodactyl Dinosaur Star
starmandeluxe24
Gordon Freeman. He's a good listener and has the ability to turn a desperate situation around easily. 
Which video game character would you like to have as your real-life BFF? One random response will win a $60 Amazon gift card! [Full contest rules here.] Don't forget to share your favorite gamer moments on at 3 p.m. PST for Free For All Friday (FFAF).

I am Arnold Schwarzenegger
Pterodactyl Dinosaur Star
starmandeluxe24
So, James Cameron.
He of course brought to our collective consciousness the glorious truth that many of us are actually Na'vi ( community.livejournal.com/tothehometree/633.html ) but now that I have just realized True Lies is a James Cameron movie, I have made the connection that this god among men surely must divine the will of the universe by revealing unto us the nature of our souls, not just through the world of Avatar, but through other films he's made as well! I was left then with the stunning realization that inside me resides the soul of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Yes, I am Awakened as a Schwareneggian.
Long have I dreamed of gallivanting with my good buddy Tom Arnold, living a secret life of espionage and intrigue unbeknownst to my lovely wife Jamie Lee Curtis, spouting thickly accented one-liners and wishing I could punch sleazy car salesmen in the face. Now I know the Truth.

Hell yeah.

Journaling!
Pterodactyl Dinosaur Star
starmandeluxe24
 HELLO? HELLO? Is this on?
Can you hear me? I'm trying to journal to you!
...I'm going through a tunnel!
I'll call you back!
kthxbai

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